Sunday, January 8, 2012

X-Men First Class: Awful of Terrible?

I hate when I see something and no one else does. I look up while reading a book in my local books a million and bam, a clown holding balloons signaling for me to come over and die...

But what is worse is when I see something that is very much real and no one else sees it the same way. And for that reason I'm the only guy who sees how bad X-men First Class is!

Seriously this is the second worst movie I saw all year! It is only second to Transformers Dark of the Moon. "But Zombi it was the very thing that the X-men series needed! It made the X-men cool again." ok I hear you. I think your wrong but I understand why you say that. It wasn't the absolute worst X-men movie. X-men Origins: Wolverine.

But let's make a bulleted list and go through these points why this is such a terrible movie.

  • ·         These aren't the first X-men class.
  • ·         Who are these people?
  • ·         There is no continuity!
  • ·         The makeup effects were the worst of the year.
  • ·         My Nazi senses are tingling.
  • ·         Bacon the worst Nazi ever!
  • ·         Beast the worlds’ dumbest genius!

This isn't the first X-men class. The original class consisted of Cyclops, Iceman, Beast, Angel and Jean Grey (Marvel Girl) and Professor X. In this movie we get such characters as Darwin, a wasted talent who died before getting to do anything because he was a better actor than the rest of the cast. Havok, Cyclops’s YOUNGER brother. Angel, the stripper with bug wings, whom they could have called pixie and her name would have made more sense. Beast, who is in love with mystique and hates his "freak" body which allows him to be the greatest athlete in the world. Oh can’t forget it's only "flaw" is monkey feet. Not even a tail...I would kill for money feet and tail! Mystique who is now Prof. X's "adopted sister and has body issues. The character who can become anyone/anything has body issues. And Banshee who is supposed to be Irish and is just a whiney teen who has no real personality. And that is one of the biggest problems. No one has personality in the X-men. Havok is a jockey douche. Beast is a pouty nerd. Mystique is the cheerleader who throws up because she hates her look. These are High school stereotypes! These characters get no real change in the way they think or act. They "grow closer" in a montage but none of them get real personalities.

I can name 2 villains on the brotherhood side. Sebastian Shaw played by Kevin Bacon and Azazel. I have no idea anything about Azazel other than he is Russian and evidentially Nightcrawler’s father. And really I only guessed that because of the tail and being a primary color. I can't tell you any of the other antagonist’s names from this film. Do you remember the guy who made tornados? Do you remember him adding anything to the plot other than being there? Oh wait Emma Frost was there. But she was supposed to be locked up in a mutant prison thing. Ok doing a bit of research has shown that the movie takes place in 1962 during the Cuban Missile Crisis. Wolverine is fighting in the Vietnam War in the opening credits to his movie X-Men Origins: Wolverine. And taking all that in mind Emma shouldn't even be there she should be somewhere in elementary to middle school!

And that just brings up more questions. There is no continuity in these films. They have a set time line from 4 movies and none of it makes sense. Charles can walk in Wolverine but he loses his ability to walk in the end of this one! Magneto and Prof. X met Wolverine and neither of them remember it at all! How does Moira MacTaggert know Charles in the 3rd movie if he erases her memory at the end of this one? Why does he erase her memory? Why does Magneto explain what the helmet is for in the first movie when Sebastian made the helmet and Charles already knew? But that movie came first they couldn't have...Yes they could have! They have previously set up this continuity! They can bend and work so it fits!

The makeup effects where the absolute worst I had seen all year! Beast looks like a freak reject from cats! Kelsey Grammer as beast looked sensational not to mention being perfectly cast. Mystique looked awful! We have 3 full movies of Rebecca Romijn proving that the Mystique makeup can not only be good but fucking amazing! Before I could find porn I could fap to Rebecca Romijn in X-men, easy! Yet this movie just makes Beast and Mystique look awful! Why has no one mentioned these flaws in any review I have seen?

How does Magneto find all these Nazis? Ok I got torture works but there is no way all these Nazis just know where each other are. That would be the stupidest plan ever. Disband the 3rd Reich but let's make sure we stay in contact so we can have a reunion.

Do I have to say more?

When watching this I had the highest of hopes. I had heard nothing but good things about this movie! I heard great things about Kevin Bacon being the villain and that was astounding. And for the first few minutes I agreed. Then we got a look at the other side of his office. Why would a Nazi bring a super powered Jew into his concentration camp office offer him candy and then threaten him, then kill his mother in front of him with a room full of metal death right next door? Why did Magneto not just stab him with his super metal powers? Why does it all play out like this? Why not kill the Nazis with your super magnet powers? Kill the guy who just shot your mother! In front of you! He's right there!

Why does Breast freak out about his mutant power? His only physical flaw if you can call it that is he has hand feet. He bitches and moans about not being normal. He was living basically a normal life until Charles outted him. He can hide his power by wearing fucking SHOES! Socks even! Unless you're wearing sandals no one will ever know! No one has pretty feet! They are fucking feet! Put shoes on and walk over your river of tears!

And these are the reasons I hate this movie so much! Why does no one else notice this crap?! People are putting this movie on their best of 2011 lists? Why?! It's just so bad!